Thanks for indulging in another braggadocious rambling better known as “Mike’s Midweek Musings” (ugh I don’t think I’ve ever used the word ‘musing’ in a sentence before embarking on these self-indulgent diatribes. You may not know this, but my original idea for a title was “Mutterings of a Madman,” but I was told that this was a little too hostile for our intended audience… whatever.)

Anyways… As we embark on this exciting expedition into a new academic year here at Fresh Harvest University (FHU), it brings me immense pleasure to welcome you all back after a memorable and adventurous summer. I trust that your seasonal respite was a time of rest and rejuvenation, indulging in the delicious rewards of melons and berries that were generously supplied to us by our local farmers. With the changing seasons comes the promise of Autumn’s uniquely delicious delectables.

We look to correct our bad posture brought upon by bending over our melon vines and mend our bandaged fingers, prickled by the thorns of our berry bushes. We now turn our heads upward and reach our hands to the sky. It is apple-picking season! I don’t intend to be the bringer of bad news, but I know for some of you the words ‘apple picking season’ have a strong negative connotation that may cause you to shudder and enter fight-or-flight mode. Believe me, I’ve been in your shoes and know this dread all too well.

7 Tips That Will Increase Your Chances of Having A Good Time While Apple-Picking!!!

#1 Bring Snacks

These orchards aren’t around the corner from your house. These places are hours away and you need to plan accordingly. Sure you can eat the apples but that’s not a meal. Show me a man who can make a meal from only apples and I’ll show you a liar. Just bring regular road trip-centric snacks to keep everyone from getting hangry.

#2 Dress Accordingly

Autumn temperatures fluctuate significantly from mid-morning to late afternoon. Wear jackets and vests that you can easily remove once that afternoon sun is directly on top of you. And this ties into the next tip…

#3 Dress Nice

No, I don’t want you to go apple-picking in a tux (although I’d love to see that). Put a little more effort into your wardrobe than just a hoodie and sweatpants. Your partner will most likely want to take pictures of your adventure and put them on their Instagram so it’ll be in your best interest to not look disheveled

.#4 Behave Yourself

At some of the orchards, participants will be allowed the use of what is referred to as an ‘apple picker pole’. It is essentially a stick with a small basket on the end that has a claw-like attachment used to cut down apples high up in a tree. This device is not a lightsaber, it is not a baseball bat or a golf club. Behave yourself and don’t embarrass your partner.

#5 Try different varieties of apples

Orchards will tend to have many varieties of apples that you probably never heard of before and aren’t normally available. Don’t bother with the usual suspects. This will be your best shot to get your hands on an Ida Red, Macoun, or Winesap apple. And if you see a Jonagold apple, my friend you stumbled upon the best apple known to man.

#6 Stretch

Apple-picking, despite being a relaxed activity, still requires physical exertion. Your professional dodgeball playing years are behind you and your shoulder doesn’t exactly work like it used to. You should consider doing some light stretching so that on Monday you don’t have to explain to your coworkers that your herniated disc was from picking up a basket of apples.

#7 Bring Cash

This last tip is probably the most important. I can only speak for myself when I say that I can’t remember the last time I touched actual cash, but orchards aren’t really equipped with the telecommunication capabilities on which credit card processing is reliant. Save the proprietor the trouble, (and credit card processing fees) and just pay with cash.